Taking stock

There is a riddle that is often heard in 12 Step meetings when discussing Step 3 of the 12 Step Program. Three frogs are sitting on a log that sits over the surface of a stream. The frog sitting on the left hand side of the log decides to jump into the water. How many frogs are left sitting on the log? The answer is three. If your answer was "two", you probably know how to add and subtract. What you may not have considered is that "Lefty" only made a decision to jump. He didn't actually do it!

That was my problem. I kept turning it over to God and taking it back within 15 minuter or less! I thought I wasn't doing Step 3 right. Then I discovered from you all that Step 3 only required me to make a decision to turn it over. The way to actually turn it over was to follow the rest of the Steps. Step Three doesn't require us to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power. All it asks us to do is make a decision. How do we follow through on that decision? By taking the rest of the steps.

But I didn't know this at first. I just wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me! Why did I have such a problem turning it over? My sponsor suggested that I was getting in my own way. How? He suggested I find out what it was about me that was getting in my own way by getting down to causes and conditions. Thus began the process of cleaning my house and getting it in order, and make myself more easily accessible for God to enter.

The first time I did this 13 and a half years ago, I didn't like the Big Book method. It seemed too cut and dry - too boring! And old fashioned! I was an enlightened philosophical drunk of the 1990s. I tried several workbooks and journal methods. I was looking for an easier, softer way to do this inventory. It took me 8-9 months of utter misery before I finally finished the damn thing! That's what I get for being so damn smart!

I never did pick up a drink after I initially got sober, but I still had a lot of dry-drunk tendencies. I wanted emotional sobriety. Then I discovered Joe & Charlie. Suddenly, I thought the Big Book was the greatest thing since sliced bread! (and bagels!) So I decided to go through the Big Book with a new sponsor - an old-timer with 25 years. I decided I wasn't as smart as I originally thought. This time I took my sponsors advice and did the 4th Step as it was originally suggested in the Big Book. This time it only took me 3 weeks.

When I was younger, I used to work at the "Wawa" store. One of my responsibilities was to go in the back and take stock of our milk. Any milk dated past three or four days had to be thrown out, and new milk had to be ordered. If we sold bad milk, we'd go out of business!

In the same way, we are being asked to take a look at our personal assets and liabilities. We want to find out what personal strengths we have that will help us in the recovery process. Even more importantly, we want to look at the thoughts, actions and beliefs that are getting in the ways of our having a more sober, sane and serene relationship with ourselves, our fellows, and our Higher Power.

The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, and other Twelve Step texts, suggests that we get down to causes and conditions. It gives us a method to look at conflicts we have had with ourselves, our family and friends, institutions and ideas. We look at our resentments and fears. What caused them? Our self-esteem? Our sense of safety? Financial security? Emotional security? How about our personal relationships? Our ambitions?

Usually when there is a conflict, it takes two to tango. So we look at OUR part in these problems. In what ways were WE dishonest? Selfish? Self-centered? inconsiderate? What role did fear play in all this? It is suggested that we put this all down on paper, so we can see it in black and white. Once we can identify what we need to clean up in our lives we can move closer to the spiritual attributes of honesty, purity, unselfishness, and love.

When I take a person through the Steps, I use the Big Book method. In some cases I have taken Steps 4 and 5 with a person if he felt too intimidated by the BB 4th Step process. I talk him through it in person or by phone until he has finished the whole thing. This is how Ebby did it with Bill, and Dr. Bob did with several of the people he sponsored. Once completed, the person has effectively taken both Steps 4 AND 5 with me.

With the help of a sponsor, I was able to find out a whole lot about myself, and ehat it was about me that kept me from enjoying the sunlight of the Spirit. Now I knew what it was I wanted to hand over to God.

But now I'm giving away plot points, so that discussion will have to wait for another day.

Thanks for letting me share.

Peace,
Rick M