Confession, Clarification, & Connection

In writing out my inventory, I was already admitting to myself and G-d the exact nature of my wrongs. Sharing it with another person, (in this case it was my sponsor), served three functions – Confession, Clarification, and Connection.

* Confession – We’re only as sick as our secrets. The longer I held onto mine, the more they ate me up. Getting these things off my chest provided me with a release from the inner turmoil that I had been a prisoner to.

* Clarification – As honest and thorough as I may try to be, I'm only human. It was helpful to share my inventory with another person. My sponsor gave me feedback on things I didn't notice about myself. He also provided the reality check I needed. He helped me see my faulty thinking more clearly. I also learned more about my strengths - strengths that HE could see, but I couldn't up to that point. As I told him my story, certain patterns began to emerge. What character defects kept showing up? These are the things I want to move away from. What strengths kept showing up? These are the things I want to move toward.

* Connection – This is the Step that makes us feel connected with the human race. Once I finished sharing my inventory with my sponsor, I found that he actually still liked me! What a relief! My sponsor also shared some of his own experiences. I wasn't alone! I found that I just wasn't that good at being bad. I'm just an imperfect human being who did what I knew how to do best in order to survive in the world. Now I have a chance to stop doing the things that are no longer working for me, and practice doing things that will benefit myself and others.

Taking stock

There is a riddle that is often heard in 12 Step meetings when discussing Step 3 of the 12 Step Program. Three frogs are sitting on a log that sits over the surface of a stream. The frog sitting on the left hand side of the log decides to jump into the water. How many frogs are left sitting on the log? The answer is three. If your answer was "two", you probably know how to add and subtract. What you may not have considered is that "Lefty" only made a decision to jump. He didn't actually do it!

That was my problem. I kept turning it over to God and taking it back within 15 minuter or less! I thought I wasn't doing Step 3 right. Then I discovered from you all that Step 3 only required me to make a decision to turn it over. The way to actually turn it over was to follow the rest of the Steps. Step Three doesn't require us to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power. All it asks us to do is make a decision. How do we follow through on that decision? By taking the rest of the steps.

But I didn't know this at first. I just wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me! Why did I have such a problem turning it over? My sponsor suggested that I was getting in my own way. How? He suggested I find out what it was about me that was getting in my own way by getting down to causes and conditions. Thus began the process of cleaning my house and getting it in order, and make myself more easily accessible for God to enter.

The first time I did this 13 and a half years ago, I didn't like the Big Book method. It seemed too cut and dry - too boring! And old fashioned! I was an enlightened philosophical drunk of the 1990s. I tried several workbooks and journal methods. I was looking for an easier, softer way to do this inventory. It took me 8-9 months of utter misery before I finally finished the damn thing! That's what I get for being so damn smart!

I never did pick up a drink after I initially got sober, but I still had a lot of dry-drunk tendencies. I wanted emotional sobriety. Then I discovered Joe & Charlie. Suddenly, I thought the Big Book was the greatest thing since sliced bread! (and bagels!) So I decided to go through the Big Book with a new sponsor - an old-timer with 25 years. I decided I wasn't as smart as I originally thought. This time I took my sponsors advice and did the 4th Step as it was originally suggested in the Big Book. This time it only took me 3 weeks.

When I was younger, I used to work at the "Wawa" store. One of my responsibilities was to go in the back and take stock of our milk. Any milk dated past three or four days had to be thrown out, and new milk had to be ordered. If we sold bad milk, we'd go out of business!

In the same way, we are being asked to take a look at our personal assets and liabilities. We want to find out what personal strengths we have that will help us in the recovery process. Even more importantly, we want to look at the thoughts, actions and beliefs that are getting in the ways of our having a more sober, sane and serene relationship with ourselves, our fellows, and our Higher Power.

The "Big Book" of Alcoholics Anonymous, and other Twelve Step texts, suggests that we get down to causes and conditions. It gives us a method to look at conflicts we have had with ourselves, our family and friends, institutions and ideas. We look at our resentments and fears. What caused them? Our self-esteem? Our sense of safety? Financial security? Emotional security? How about our personal relationships? Our ambitions?

Usually when there is a conflict, it takes two to tango. So we look at OUR part in these problems. In what ways were WE dishonest? Selfish? Self-centered? inconsiderate? What role did fear play in all this? It is suggested that we put this all down on paper, so we can see it in black and white. Once we can identify what we need to clean up in our lives we can move closer to the spiritual attributes of honesty, purity, unselfishness, and love.

When I take a person through the Steps, I use the Big Book method. In some cases I have taken Steps 4 and 5 with a person if he felt too intimidated by the BB 4th Step process. I talk him through it in person or by phone until he has finished the whole thing. This is how Ebby did it with Bill, and Dr. Bob did with several of the people he sponsored. Once completed, the person has effectively taken both Steps 4 AND 5 with me.

With the help of a sponsor, I was able to find out a whole lot about myself, and ehat it was about me that kept me from enjoying the sunlight of the Spirit. Now I knew what it was I wanted to hand over to God.

But now I'm giving away plot points, so that discussion will have to wait for another day.

Thanks for letting me share.

Peace,
Rick M

Thoughts, Actions, Decisions

What does it mean to turn our Will and our Lives over to this Power? Another way to understand this idea is to equate "Will" with our thoughts, and "Lives" with our actions. When we turn over our WILL and our LIVES over to our Higher Power, we are turning over our THOUGHTS and our ACTIONS.

Turning over our will and our lives (our Thoughts & Actions) is an act of humility. Humility is not the same as humiliation, although it may feel like humiliation to our inflated egos. Humility is putting our Higher Power's will before our own. Though we make decisions about the actions of our lives, we must leave the results to God. The burden of our having to run the world is lifted.

We must continually remake the decision to turn it over on a daily basis. How do we follow through with our decision? First we have to clear away the clutter that gets in the way of our relationship with our Higher Power. We accomplish this by doing a thorough housecleaning. This is accomplished when we take Steps 4 thorough 9.

There is a riddle that is often heard in 12 Step meetings when discussing Step 3 of the 12 Step Program. Three frogs are sitting on a log that sits over the surface of a stream. The frog sitting on the left hand side of the log decides to jump into the water. How many frogs are left sitting on the log? The answer is three. If your answer was "two", you probably know how to add and subtract. What you may not have considered is that "Lefty" only made a decision to jump. He didn't actually do it!

Step Three doesn't require us to turn our will and our lives over to the care of a higher power. All it asks us to do is make a decision. How do we follow through on that decision? By taking the rest of the steps.

Even though we may try to turn things over to our Higher Power, we find that we keep taking our will back. In order to let go and let G-d more effectively, we need to find out what's getting in the way, and get it out of our lives. That's where Steps 4 through 9 comes in. We call these the "Housecleaning Steps."

After I said the Third Step prayer, I thought things would be just fine. But they weren't, because my thoughts and action were not the same as God's and I couldn't understand why God's thoughts and actions would be so completely different from mine. I got frustrated. I would cuss, and rage, and throw things against walls. What was wrong with me? I guess I didn't do Step 3 right, huh? But then I realized something. I thought I didn't do Step 3 right because I kept taking my will back. But Step 3 doesn't tell me to turn it over to God. It tells me to DECIDE to turn it over to God! But if I'm having trouble with that decision, then I have more work to do (Steps 4 - 12.) If I want to find out why I'm having such a hard time turning over to the care of God as I understand Him, then it's time to examine what it is about ME that keeps getting in my own way. Hence Step 4.

Peace,
Rick M

3 Cats

I have 3 cats. They usually make me smile. However, when I’m trying to engage in my morning quiet time, which includes prayer and meditation, they jump on my lap, get fur on my face, make loud purring motor sounds, go through trash and all manner of things noisy and obnoxious! When they get fur in my face I engage in a form of sneezing meditation. ;-)

My cats are like the Trickster Gods found in mythology. Just when you think you have everything under control, the Trickster Cat God comes and messes everything up. This teaches us that nothing is permanent. Everything is transcendent.

I am often reminded by my spiritual mentor that God doesn’t want us to stand on our own 2 feet lest we get self-reliant and cocky. He wants us off balance so we will learn to lean on HIM. My cats provide me with a daily reminder of this!God has put them in my life for a reason. Why has God sent me such challenging lessons in patience? I don’t know. I am grateful for the responsibility! :)

Part of the blessings God has given me - I put a bid on a house last March. There were 2 other bidders. The seller chose me! I am a first time home owner! So, the night I found out that I got the bid, all 3 cats were gathered together looking at me as I explained to them that we would be moving at the end of April. I processed what the transition would entail. (Get it? En“TAIL?” ;-) I wasn’t finished talking to them when they started drifting off and
ignoring me. This occurred around the same time I finished eating my dinner. (Talk about humility!)

In my line of work, people in early recovery from addiction want to rush into a relationship - (which can be just as dangerous and addictive!) They are often advised NOT to get into relationships during the first year. Furry souls of all shapes & sizes are great for people in recovery - especially in the early stages. They provide unconditional love. It’s important to have some one to cuddle with and to wake up with in the morning. (I’m still single, so this is especially relevant for me.) I love my little soul monsters in fur suits like there’s no tomorrow.

Thanks for letting me share.

Rick

Came to Believe

I was born into a secular Jewish home. We only went to synagogue on the High Holy Days - which I found incredibly boring. My parents put me into Sunday School beginning in 2nd grade, so I would know enough to be Bar Mitzvah'd by the age of 13. It was the thing to do culturally speaking.

In Sunday School, the teachers would read us the stories from Genesis and Exodus. They reminded me of Grimm's Fairy Tales - only they were "grimmer!" And I was told these were true stories! One thing they taught that made sense to me was that God was infinite. Therefore Jewish art did not depict individual personalities as being representational of God.

My mom likes musical theater. I was about 8 years old in 1973 when she first took me to see Jesus Christ Superstar. I didn't understand it. This was nothing like The Sound of Music! My mom told me that there were people who believed in different religions. Christians believed that the guy I was looking at on the stage was the Son of God. Very odd and hard for me to fathom.

Then I learned that Jews thought the Christians were wrong, and many Christians thought I was going to Hell! This went on for many years, so I turned toward the East. They were more inclusive and non-judgmental in nature. More acceptance.

Meanwhile, I was kind of artsy-fartsy. I wrote poems and songs. I felt a spiritual connection within music and the arts. I especially liked the Beatles. So I started to learn about meditation and dropped acid.

While doing this, I was channel surfing in 1988 and came upon a special with Bill Moyers interviewing this guy who was talking about mythology. Mythology? You mean those stories of Zeus and Odysseus and stuff? Aren't those just grown-up fairy tales? But this man wasn't talking about that. He was talking about Native American stories. Stories of the Buddha and the similarities found between the Buddha, Moses and Jesus. Star Wars (which I thought was just some silly Space Opera that was beneath my intellectual status), was presented to me in a totally different light. He taught me that it was okay to consider these stories as true when read metaphorically, rather than literally and historically.

And yet, with all the background information I just gave, it didn't really matter by the time I got to the rooms. I believed in all that God stuff. I believed that whatever concept of God there was would work for YOU. God would restore YOU to sanity! I wasn't sure He would do so for me. It's like we had a bad connection.

When I got into the rooms, I needed something tangible. Up to that point the only Higher Power that was tangible to give me results was alcohol itself. That power was no longer working for me. It was now working against me. It had turned on me a long time ago.

There had to be SOMETHING greater than me or alcohol that could help me recover from this condition that was killing me inside and out. So I used the wisdom and power of the program itself that flowed through all you folks who had more time than I. I took suggestions and acted 'as if." I didn't even need to believe it all yet. All I needed to do at this point is to be WILLING to believe.

I knew how to sit cross-legged and go "Om", but didn't even know how to say a simple prayer. I began to say the Serenity Prayer because it was short, and I knew it by heart (we say it at every meeting!) I got a meditation book called Keep It Simple - it was sort of like 24 Hours a Day but was meant for beginners like me at the time. Later I learned the 3rd Step Prayer in the Big Book, and then the 7th Step prayer in
the same book. I eventually started reading 24 Hours A Day.

I faked it 'til I made it. Eventually, something started clicking. It didn't happen overnight. I wasn't rocketed to the 4th Dimension like Bill W. I experienced more of the educational variety that happened over time as a result of practicing 12 Steps to the best of my ability. Over time, I began to see God working in my life. I began to feel freedom from my own self-will and felt more comfortable in my relationship with myself, God, and you all. I felt more comfortable in my own skin.

I have since returned to studying various religious philosophies and practices. I've studied the Hebrew Bible and the New Testament. I've studied Taoism and Buddhism. Many of the early AA members read Emmet Fox's The Sermon On the Mount - a good one! I've studied A Course In Miracles and Eckhardt Tolle.

Why am I mentioning all of these non-AA approved resources? Am I trying to sell you these things? No! Not at all! Some of us have had a spiritual awakenings by simply following the Big Book instructions. But the Big Book supports us using the best of what's out there. In my case, I found that the Big Book was written all over the above mentioned resources. As long as the messages of these various religious sources are in sync w/ the Big Book, I can use them to enhance what the Big Book has been telling me in the first place.

One more thing I'd like to add. All the religious and scientific books can't do a thing for us in and of themselves. They just contain theory and theology. But faith without works is dead. This a program of action. The Big Book is the manual that provides the instructions. If we take the actions, our beliefs will only enhance the results. The results lay the foundation for faith.

Thanks for letting me share.

Rick M

(Stepping Stones) Please allow me to introduce myself....

Ok, being I'm a 12 Stepper, and I've given this Blog a 12 Steppy type of name, I might as well let you get to know me from a 12 Step point of view. Let me tell ya' how I recovered from a progressive, fatal disease - a hopeless state of mind and body

My name is Rick and I'm a real alcoholic. I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on May 12, 1995, and have been sober ever since.

Not that I wanted to be in these rooms. I didn't want to have to depend on others. I still had reservations. I thought MAYBE there were other ways I could control it. In fact, about a month before I bought and read a book called "How To Quit Drinking Without A.A." I think it worked for 3 days. Then I would try again for a few days, and then slip up. By the last week, I was drinking every day, and KNEW that MY way wasn't working. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I didn't hate what I'd become. I hated what I HADN'T become. I was 30 years old and going nowhere fast. I couldn't see any other way out. That’s when I surrendered. The meeting I ended up at on that date became my first home group. The guy who spoke at that meeting became my first sponsor.

Interestingly enough, I admitted I was an alcoholic 3 years earlier. One night, after a really GOOD drunk, I accidentally crashed into 2 parked cars. My getaway was unsuccessful because the wheels were no longer fully attached to my vehicle. I was hoping to slip away quietly without anyone noticing. Unfortunately, the sound of 2 parked cars being crashed into is kind of loud. Especially at 2 AM in the morning! I think I woke them up. The owners were kind enough to call the police, who in turn, were kind enough to escort me to the police station. I even got chained to my very own wall!

Well, the produce stand where I was working at the time did not offer benefits like paid time off or anything. I didn’t have a car to drive to work, so my money quickly ran out. I thought this would be a good time to stop drinking. 3 days later, I was on my bedroom floor, scraping up every quarter, nickel and dime I could find to buy a pint of rum. I couldn’t drink without smoking at the time. By the time I finished scraping up whatever I could find, the discount liquor stores were closed, so I had to go to a bar, and buy name brand liquor and name brand cigarettes at full price. It was the winter of ’92 I believe, and there was snow up past my knees. The walk would have taken an hour in normal; weather. I prided myself in my sudden decision to begin an outdoor exercise program. (I was serious!) It was 10 PM at night. By the time I got there, all I could afford was a half a pint of booze and a pack of cigarettes. The booze was gone within a half hour. I had at least another hour to walk. I honestly don’t remember how or even IF I got any sleep that night. I began to suspect that maybe I WAS an alcoholic.

I decided to try out a couple of A.A. meetings. At the first meeting someone gave me a copy of the 20 questions. I stopped off at the liquor store for rum and smokes. As I answered the 20 questions over a few drinks, I attempted to be minimally honest. I didn’t get a 100 on it. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t put my family’s welfare at risk. (I didn’t have a family. I was too busy drinking!) I didn’t have any blackouts (at least none that I could remember!) And I didn’t drink in the morning. So I probably wasn’t that bad after all!

But after I scored myself with only a 17 out of 20, I looked down at the bottom where it said:

* If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be alcoholic.
* If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
· If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

So it was true. I was an alcoholic! It was actually kind of a relief to know this. I went to a couple more meetings. Even got me a Big Book. I found it difficult to read. I could read Carl Jung drunk, and tell you all about it the next day, but I could NOT understand this relatively simple text. It’s hard to concentrate when it interferes with my drinking! It wasn’t telling me anything I wanted to hear. Neither did A.A. So I drank for another 3 years.

I shared that I preferred to buy my stuff generic. Since most of my finances went toward cigarettes and booze, I wanted to get the best deal I could. That’s why I tried to buy generic whenever possible. To buy generic rum, you had to buy it by the fifth or half gallon. I thought, “Gee, what a great way to save money!” But for some reason, I couldn’t stop after the amount of shots necessary to equal a pint. I kept drinking for the same reason some people climb mountains. Because it was there! The more I drank, the thirstier I got. For me, drinking was SUPPOSED to quench my thirst. Instead, it only made me thirstier. I thought that drinking would calm the cravings. Instead the cravings just got worse.

The few times I tried to control my drinking were unsuccessful for this very reason. The few times I tried to quit altogether were just as bad. I understand EXACTLY what Dr. Silkworth meant when he said,

“Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.”

After a couple of days of abstinence, I would forget all the problems alcohol caused me. I’d start romancing the drink in my head, thinking “I’ll only have one or two. This time I’ll control it. This time it will be different.” And I was of to the races again.

The Big Book talks about unmanageability on page 52 in the chapter called We Agnostics. In one paragraph, the unmanageability of my life was perfectly summarized.

I was having trouble with personal relationships. I didn’t get along with my family, had few friends, and no intimate relationships. My self esteem was nil. I blamed everyone and everything, including myself for my sorry lot. (It hadn’t occurred tome that alcohol might have a role in this.) I was either working at a produce stand with a bunch of other alkies in the summer, or picking up dog and kitty poop at an animal hospital. I love animals, but the hangovers made me real moody, and I sometimes treated the animals there in a way that I’m not proud of. These were low paying jobs with no benefits. I had just turned 30. I felt useless. I feared that I would never amount to anything in life, and would die a long lonely death. I had nothing to offer anyone else (even though I was EVERYONE ELSE’S best adviser!)

I was physically, mentally, and spiritually a very sick person. It took me quite a while for me to surrender to this fact.

I called the Intergroup office to find a meeting. I was 15 minutes late. I literally had one foot in the door of my car, and one foot dangling out. I knew if I didn’t walk into that meeting, I was going to drink again. I didn’t go to that meeting. On the night of May 11, 1995, I bought my last bottle of liquor. I knew I was licked. Alcohol had finally beat me into a state of reasonableness when I finally conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic, and would never be able to drink like a normal person.

In this humbled state, I went to my first meeting, got a home group and a sponsor, and began applying the spiritual principles known as the Twelve Steps, which we find outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. As a result, I have been freed from the obsession to drink alcohol. I feel connected to the God of my understanding. I feel connected to the human race. Although I still have self-centered characteristics, I’m more apt to think of the other person first, and find ways to be of service to my fellows. I feel more comfortable in my own skin then I ever did before.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thanks for letting me share.

-Rick M.