(Stepping Stones) Please allow me to introduce myself....

Ok, being I'm a 12 Stepper, and I've given this Blog a 12 Steppy type of name, I might as well let you get to know me from a 12 Step point of view. Let me tell ya' how I recovered from a progressive, fatal disease - a hopeless state of mind and body

My name is Rick and I'm a real alcoholic. I came into the rooms of Alcoholics Anonymous on May 12, 1995, and have been sober ever since.

Not that I wanted to be in these rooms. I didn't want to have to depend on others. I still had reservations. I thought MAYBE there were other ways I could control it. In fact, about a month before I bought and read a book called "How To Quit Drinking Without A.A." I think it worked for 3 days. Then I would try again for a few days, and then slip up. By the last week, I was drinking every day, and KNEW that MY way wasn't working. I was sick and tired of being sick and tired. I didn't hate what I'd become. I hated what I HADN'T become. I was 30 years old and going nowhere fast. I couldn't see any other way out. That’s when I surrendered. The meeting I ended up at on that date became my first home group. The guy who spoke at that meeting became my first sponsor.

Interestingly enough, I admitted I was an alcoholic 3 years earlier. One night, after a really GOOD drunk, I accidentally crashed into 2 parked cars. My getaway was unsuccessful because the wheels were no longer fully attached to my vehicle. I was hoping to slip away quietly without anyone noticing. Unfortunately, the sound of 2 parked cars being crashed into is kind of loud. Especially at 2 AM in the morning! I think I woke them up. The owners were kind enough to call the police, who in turn, were kind enough to escort me to the police station. I even got chained to my very own wall!

Well, the produce stand where I was working at the time did not offer benefits like paid time off or anything. I didn’t have a car to drive to work, so my money quickly ran out. I thought this would be a good time to stop drinking. 3 days later, I was on my bedroom floor, scraping up every quarter, nickel and dime I could find to buy a pint of rum. I couldn’t drink without smoking at the time. By the time I finished scraping up whatever I could find, the discount liquor stores were closed, so I had to go to a bar, and buy name brand liquor and name brand cigarettes at full price. It was the winter of ’92 I believe, and there was snow up past my knees. The walk would have taken an hour in normal; weather. I prided myself in my sudden decision to begin an outdoor exercise program. (I was serious!) It was 10 PM at night. By the time I got there, all I could afford was a half a pint of booze and a pack of cigarettes. The booze was gone within a half hour. I had at least another hour to walk. I honestly don’t remember how or even IF I got any sleep that night. I began to suspect that maybe I WAS an alcoholic.

I decided to try out a couple of A.A. meetings. At the first meeting someone gave me a copy of the 20 questions. I stopped off at the liquor store for rum and smokes. As I answered the 20 questions over a few drinks, I attempted to be minimally honest. I didn’t get a 100 on it. As far as I was concerned, I didn’t put my family’s welfare at risk. (I didn’t have a family. I was too busy drinking!) I didn’t have any blackouts (at least none that I could remember!) And I didn’t drink in the morning. So I probably wasn’t that bad after all!

But after I scored myself with only a 17 out of 20, I looked down at the bottom where it said:

* If you have answered YES to any one of the questions, there is a definite warning that you may be alcoholic.
* If you have answered YES to any two, the chances are that you are an alcoholic.
· If you have answered YES to three or more, you are definitely an alcoholic.

So it was true. I was an alcoholic! It was actually kind of a relief to know this. I went to a couple more meetings. Even got me a Big Book. I found it difficult to read. I could read Carl Jung drunk, and tell you all about it the next day, but I could NOT understand this relatively simple text. It’s hard to concentrate when it interferes with my drinking! It wasn’t telling me anything I wanted to hear. Neither did A.A. So I drank for another 3 years.

I shared that I preferred to buy my stuff generic. Since most of my finances went toward cigarettes and booze, I wanted to get the best deal I could. That’s why I tried to buy generic whenever possible. To buy generic rum, you had to buy it by the fifth or half gallon. I thought, “Gee, what a great way to save money!” But for some reason, I couldn’t stop after the amount of shots necessary to equal a pint. I kept drinking for the same reason some people climb mountains. Because it was there! The more I drank, the thirstier I got. For me, drinking was SUPPOSED to quench my thirst. Instead, it only made me thirstier. I thought that drinking would calm the cravings. Instead the cravings just got worse.

The few times I tried to control my drinking were unsuccessful for this very reason. The few times I tried to quit altogether were just as bad. I understand EXACTLY what Dr. Silkworth meant when he said,

“Men and women drink essentially because they like the effect produced by alcohol. The sensation is so elusive that, while they admit it is injurious, they cannot after a time differentiate the true from the false. To them, their alcoholic life seems the only normal one. They are restless, irritable and discontented, unless they can again experience the sense of ease and comfort which comes at once by taking a few drinks-drinks which they see others taking with impunity. After they have succumbed to the desire again, as so many do, and the phenomenon of craving develops, they pass through the well-known stages of a spree, emerging remorseful, with a firm resolution not to drink again.”

After a couple of days of abstinence, I would forget all the problems alcohol caused me. I’d start romancing the drink in my head, thinking “I’ll only have one or two. This time I’ll control it. This time it will be different.” And I was of to the races again.

The Big Book talks about unmanageability on page 52 in the chapter called We Agnostics. In one paragraph, the unmanageability of my life was perfectly summarized.

I was having trouble with personal relationships. I didn’t get along with my family, had few friends, and no intimate relationships. My self esteem was nil. I blamed everyone and everything, including myself for my sorry lot. (It hadn’t occurred tome that alcohol might have a role in this.) I was either working at a produce stand with a bunch of other alkies in the summer, or picking up dog and kitty poop at an animal hospital. I love animals, but the hangovers made me real moody, and I sometimes treated the animals there in a way that I’m not proud of. These were low paying jobs with no benefits. I had just turned 30. I felt useless. I feared that I would never amount to anything in life, and would die a long lonely death. I had nothing to offer anyone else (even though I was EVERYONE ELSE’S best adviser!)

I was physically, mentally, and spiritually a very sick person. It took me quite a while for me to surrender to this fact.

I called the Intergroup office to find a meeting. I was 15 minutes late. I literally had one foot in the door of my car, and one foot dangling out. I knew if I didn’t walk into that meeting, I was going to drink again. I didn’t go to that meeting. On the night of May 11, 1995, I bought my last bottle of liquor. I knew I was licked. Alcohol had finally beat me into a state of reasonableness when I finally conceded to my innermost self that I was an alcoholic, and would never be able to drink like a normal person.

In this humbled state, I went to my first meeting, got a home group and a sponsor, and began applying the spiritual principles known as the Twelve Steps, which we find outlined in the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous. As a result, I have been freed from the obsession to drink alcohol. I feel connected to the God of my understanding. I feel connected to the human race. Although I still have self-centered characteristics, I’m more apt to think of the other person first, and find ways to be of service to my fellows. I feel more comfortable in my own skin then I ever did before.

And I wouldn’t have it any other way. Thanks for letting me share.

-Rick M.